Confessions of a Milk Maid

So Let the Journey Resume

2009-08-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

Man, was I sick! I am finally now just getting over my two week battle with bronchitis. Bronchitis and asthma do not mix.

I am finally starting to feel like a regular human being again, so have decided to stop procrastinating and get back to inducing. I will re-start my pumping and stimulation schedule. No time like the present, so I will start right when I get home from the office tonight. I am excited to be getting back into it but have a little trepidation, as well.

It is such an exciting undertaking, that's for sure. But the constant attention to my breasts can be rather distracting! It is hard to concentrate during business meetings when you nipples are straining against your bra - aching to be caressed and sucked. The constant dull ache in the breast tissue, ever so diligently reminding you of the task at hand. Then of course all of the manual stimulation just sets my mind of to wandering. Daydreaming of lover encasing my nipple with his mouth as our arms are wrapped around each other in contented bliss. Sigh.

Well, I suppose I could be distracted by worse things.

Sick, Sick, Sick

2009-08-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have not updated. I have been taken down by a bronchial infection. I have had it since last Wednesday, and I am still very sick. Yuck.

The Coffee Guy came over last Tuesday. We had a very nice evening, mostly talking. I really missed his friendship, and it was very nice to spend the evening with him. I feel so comfortable with him, I was amazed at how much I talked, and shared with him. It really is a treasure to have such a good friend back in my life.

He did, however, have some very bad news. Years ago he suffered a spinal injury, and subsequent surgery. Well, it seems his condition is back and he is yet again living in constant pain and will soon not have very much mobility. He is more than likely going to need another surgery. A surgery, by the way, they do not do in the United States. He will most likely have to travel to Germany for this surgery, and the recovery process will be a very long one.

I just hope he knows what a friend he has in me, and that he can count on me through these times.

The Return of The Coffee Guy

2009-07-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

I have been hesitant to write about this the last two days, because I was not really sure how to explain it. I'm still not sure I can explain it well, but I am going to give it a try. I am letting the Coffee Guy back into my life. I know I was previously upset when I found out he was not looking for a relationship, but I think I have moved on past that. Anyone who knows me knows that I work about 80 hours a week. I am not exactly relationship material myself, right now. He does not feel he is in a place in his life where he can handle a serious commitment, and honestly - I don't think I could handle one myself. Not until things slow down a bit for me.

The time I spent away from him was hard. Underneath everything else, we had a very good friendship. A friendship we both missed. At the end of the day, I decided that I preferred having him in my life in some capacity, than not having him there at all.

He came over for a visit on Sunday. We didn't get to nurse - he had a bad burn on his tongue. How anyone can burn their tongue that bad on oatmeal, I'll never know. But we were able to cuddle up together and talk - for five hours. It was amazing. That evening, I was more relaxed and at peace with him than I ever had been. It seemed like without the pressure of an impending relationship, I felt freer. We were able to just completely let oursleves go, and enjoy each other. I missed that very much and am really happy he is back in my life.

The Voicemail

2009-07-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

So I get this very long rambling voicemail today from the guy I was supposed to meet up with that previous Sunday. Unreal. It was a babbling message about 2 minutes long, talking about how he suddenly moved out of state, how he was not the guy for me, and how he is not ready for an ANR (ignoring the fact that he is the one who approached me, but anyways...). He said he was calling because I had left "so many messages". I left two. Two messages when we were supposed to get together. I was concerned at first thinking he was very ill, as he had told me he was. He then states that out of respect for him, I should never call him again, and let that phone message be our final good bye.

Seriously? Really? Did I just get dumped by someone I wasn't even going out with? Positively unreal.

Unfortunately, Not Much To Report About Sunday

2009-07-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I was supposed to be reporting about my Sunday date to you all. Unfortunately, things fell through and we were not able to meet up. I had some visitors come in from out of town, and he was sick, so we had postponed the date until some time this week. So I thought.

Since then, I have been unable to get a hold of the gentleman. I have left two phone messages which were not returned, and his email account has been closed. I usually have a fairly positive outlook, but the signs are kind of pointing towards the fact that he just might not be that into me. I admit I am a bit disappointed, and a little surprised. He seemed so into it, emailing me about herbs and induction techniques, etc. -but then we all know that I have misread signs before. We had only met in person once and I thought it had gone really well but it is possible, with my track record, that I am not the best judge of these things.

Ah well, back to the drawing board.

I have a question for my readers. Have any of you out there had any success with Shatavari root? I have been reading accounts of women having better results with it than Dom, and it is much better for you. It is my current research project. I am curious to get any feedback about this before trying it myself. I am still in the research stage - which again, I encourage you all to do plenty of before starting any regimen. Please email me and let me know!

I have not started back on the herbs yet, mostly just working on frequent manual stimulation. Since I do not have a partner, I figure that I can take my time with the whole thing. I do want to start some type of regimen and stick to it, but I am only going to do so after I fully research all of my possibilities and come to an informed decision. I was having pretty good results the last time I tried and was taking herbs. But I was taking a lot of herbs, and am really not sure which one was working or if it was a combination of them. Instead of taking the shotgun approach this time, I want it a bit more regulated and controlled.

Well, that is it for today. Please keep the emails and input coming, everyone! Have a great day.

And Then Things Change Again

2009-07-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

I have a few things to report today. I met someone I am excited about, and we are getting together for our first date on Sunday. He is an incredibly kind and loving man - and he is deeply passionate about ANR. He seems to really understand the cosmic connection ANR can bring, and the commitment and work that it takes. I am very excited to see how the energy and chemistry is between us. Who knows, things may not work out - but it gives me hope that the perfect ANR partner is out there for me, sometimes you just have to kiss a few toads. My mind is so distracted with possibilities. He is so passionate when talking about ANR, and I have such a strong visceral reaction to hearing him talk about it. My breathing gets short and I get overcome with dizziness. It just feels right. Like nursing is something that I am just made to do. It is wonderful being in that state when you meet someone new, and the world seems full of hope and possibilities. I will be sure to keep you updated on the events of our Sunday rendezvous.

Which brings me to the second item to report. I have decided to start inducing again. I figure I have three good reasons to do so. 1) I have a possibility of someone new on the horizon, and even if things do not workout, my faith that there are some decent ANR partners out there has been a bit restored. 2) I think about it all the time, I might as well be doing it. 3) My breasts ache like crazy. I think I am just physiologically made for it. So, I invite you to come on my inducing journey with me, yet again.

On that note, I would love to hear from any other women out there that are going through the induction journey as well. Share your stories, tips, frustrations and victories with us. Let's go on this trip together.

Summer is Here

2009-07-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

I love the summer time. Warm nights, the beach, the smells, the flowers, and long evenings on the patio. I have really been enjoying my time lately. I have been pampering myself a lot, which everyone should do as frequently as possible. I have been making my own bath and beauty products at home. I just love mixing all these concoctions that feel so silky and smooth against my skin. My favorite thing right now is long baths, so this weekend I made fizzy bath bombs. They were so easy and fun to make (and much cheaper than buying them for $5-$7 each in the store!).

Most everything has been going really well. I have been feeling very good, at getting over the loneliness I felt when I stopped seeing the Coffee Guy. There has been one little problem though. My breasts ache like crazy. Especially the last two days. My nipples are so hard and painful. My mind keeps wandering to fantasies of a nice, soothing mouth on them - drowning out the pulsating ache and cooling off the heat my want generates. I have not started pumping again, because I am worried that doing that might make the need even stronger. Besides, a pump is no substitute for arms wrapped around my body, and a mouth at my breasts. A pump can not bring that sense of calm and serenity, or take me to that transcendental place that nursing does.

But, it still just the beginning of summer. I am hopeful.

It's Been A While

2009-06-23T12:48:00.001-07:00

I apologize to my readers for not being around much lately. I guess I just had some thinking to do. I think I was more hurt by the coffee guy than I had thought. Anyways, I wanted to thank everyone who sent me all of the concerned emails. Yes, I am doing fine. Your kind words really helped.

I am back to my normally happy state of mind, and back in the swing of things. I still am not currently trying to induce, as I do not have a partner - but look forward to sharing that journey with someone some day. I'm sure there is the right ANR partner out there for me, I just have to find him.

So, I promise to be around more again. And thanks for all of your support.

I try to ignore the longing.

2009-05-23T01:56:00.000-07:00

I try so hard. I have told my breasts to be quiet, but they are loud. I need them sucked. I need to nurse. I need someone at my breast. I can no longer turn down the volume.

Thinking To Do

2009-05-16T21:36:00.001-07:00

I know I have not been writing lately. I have just had a lot of thinking to do. I still have not come to any conclusions, but I am at least moving forward. I am really struggling right now to decide if I want to try to induce at this time. I actually have stopped pumping and everything. I just dont see the point in being all milky when I don't have anyone to share that with. I have been really discouraged lately. It seems that most of the people I have met, or that have contacted me want to have secret, hidden nursing sessions, and do not want to develop and deeper relationship beyond that. That really makes me feel very objectified - like I am only being valued for my breasts, and that does not make me feel very good. I am not excepting to strike up an instant relationship with anyone I might meet, but I also am not a drive-by suckling center. I am very discouraged at the moment, and have not yet made up my mind as what to do.

Sadness

2009-04-22T17:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I am a bit sad today. Okay, I am really sad today. I believe the of the end of the coffee guy is here. Apparently, we had two different ideas about what we desired from each other. He let me know that he has no intention of developing a relationship with me - which is what I felt we had been doing. I was clearly mistaken about our friendship. I just don't know how I could have been so mistaken about what was going on between us. Everything was so passionate and intense between us. We shared more than just intimate activity together, a real liking of each other - at least I thought so.

Now I am all for taking things slow, and just seeing what will naturally develop between two people. I don't feel the need to just jump into heavy relationships with people. With that said, I also do not see the point in continuing to date someone who is very clear about the fact of not wanting any kind of relationship. With an absolute decision like that, our fate is already sealed and continuing after that is only sending an open invitation for more hurt.

I know we had only been seeing each other for just under two months, but I do feel a sense of loss and hurt. I had felt such a connection to him, and it hurts me now knowing that those feelings were one-sided. I feel silly, and embarrassed. All those insecure feelings are bubbling to the surface - like would he feel the same if I was thinner? I am not normally an overly insecure person, but I am feeling a bit vulnerable right now. I guess I was just really not expecting this today. Not by a long shot.

Sharing an ANR with someone is a very intimate thing. It is such a high level of bonding. I just don't understand how I did not realize he did not share the same feelings.

That is really all I can write about this right now.

A Very Random Posting

2009-04-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not posting in about a week. My home computer has been down, so I have been unable to post. Well, after doing a complete redo on the 'puter, I think I am up and running again. I know I could post from my phone, but I really do not have the patience for that.

When I last saw you, I waiting for a date with the coffee guy. Things have been going really well on that front, and I have seen him a couple of times since then. Things can get so intense and passionate between us. I really am pleased with the way things are progressing. Everything just seems to be moving along at a steady, but slow and sure pace. The nursing that we share is just incredible. He seems to be just as passionate about nursing as I am, and he definitely enjoys it immensely. I feel very lucky to be with someone who is so like minded.

I feel the need to share a huge pet peeve with you all. I receive lots of IM requests from people who have never even sent me an email to introduce themselves, or say hi. Why would someone do that? I just don't understand what is going through people's mind's sometimes. Why would I want to give them the ability to send me IM's at will, and open that line of communication when I have no clue about the person. Maybe someone can enlighten me on that. I really don't spend a lot of time IM'ing, but if I do, I am not going to be doing it with someone who couldn't even bother sending an introduction email. Anyways, I'm just saying.....

I know this is just a short update posting right now, but I do have tons to catch up on, and the coffee guy to get ready for tonight. Have a great day everyone!

In A Better Mood

2009-04-07T08:47:00.001-07:00

I have never really been able to stay in a bad mood for very long. My self-pity yesterday only lasted until late afternoon, then I just got over it. I know that when my milk comes in, all this hard work will be worth it. All this time I have spent on trying to induce will seem like nothing. Thank to all the people who sent me emails of encouragement yesterday, I really appreciated it.

I am so excited. I get to see the Coffee Guy tonight. I haven't seen him in over a week, and right now that seems like a very long time. It was so great to hear his voice last night as we made plans for this evening. Every time I think about seeing him tonight, I get this dull throb inside my breast tissue.

An Extremely Selfish Post

2009-04-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

I am feeling rather selfish and a bit pouty today. I am just not getting enough nursing for my satisfaction at the moment. I have met a great guy, but he has a rather busy schedule and I don't see him very often. I suppose it would be often enough if we were just dating without trying to induce lactation, but it is a whole different ball game when you are in the process of trying to produce milk. It has been over a week since my last nursing session with him, and I really miss it. And as I have mentioned in previous posts, inducing is an absolute full time job. It is hard to keep up the motivation knowing that I am just going to be going home to my pump. My resolution has not faltered, I am just wishing I had more to keep me going.

I know that I am being very selfish. The Coffee Guy and I have no commitments to each other. Heck, I really don't even know fully what our status is. I just know that I enjoy our time together, and wish I had more of it. I truly do understand that he has a very busy schedule, really I do. I know I am just pouting a bit today. I should feel lucky that I have someone to share this with at all, especially someone I like so well. I think we all know how hard it can be to find a good ANR parter.

I should just get this off my mind. I know that these feelings will blow over. It is hard to get this off my mind, however, when I have that constant ache in my breasts reminding me of what I am missing. It is also hard to get it off of my mind when I have to pump and use the TENS unit so often through out the day. How can I be expected to get nursing off my mind at all, when so much of my breast-centric life revolves around trying to induce?

End of selfish rant.

Living A Breast-Centric Life

2009-04-01T11:26:00.001-07:00

Trying to induce lactation is a full time job. It seems that I am always touching my breasts, pumping my breasts, or using the TENS unit. I am taking supplements several times a day, and choosing food based on what would help with lactation. I do positive thinking exercises through out the day to help assist my milk flowing. I am living a breast-centric life.

All of this focus on my breasts only makes my longings to nurse even more intense. Not very many minutes go by at a time without me thinking about having someone at my breast. I am not just craving anyone's mouth on my nipple - in my daytime fantasies I am always thinking of the coffee guy. Nursing sessions with him are just incredible. He is so tender and loving. I feel revered when I am with him. The way he suckles is peaceful and passionate at the same time. It is a feeling I can sink into and lose myself in. I come completely undone in his arms. I feel raw - like I am stripped down to the essence of my personality and we just accept each other as we are. I miss him very much when I don't see him for several days. I miss that closeness we share in each others arms, an intimacy like we are the only two people alive at that moment. Including nursing in your relationships adds an intense level of depth. An intense closeness, unmatched by anything else I have felt.

Having someone to share this with, even if not on an everyday basis, is what gives me the motivation to keep going with my full time breast schedule. It is all about boobies all the time in my world. That commitment seems like nothing at all when I am with him. The happiness I felt when he tasted a first sweet drop was so profound. This is something beyond just myself. I look forward to the day when he has that first big swallow of my milk- the beautiful nectar I am working so hard to produce. It is worth it and more. It time so well spent, for the benefit it already brings, and will continue to bring and grow.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2009-03-31T10:42:00.001-07:00

Changes are definitely taking effect. It has been about a week of pumping and TENS unit stimulation. I am happy to report that several changes are continuing to appear.

First there are the physical changes. This morning, as I got dressed, I noticed my blouse was very tight around my chest. At first I was concerned that I had put on a couple pounds. Then I slipped my slacks on, and they were loose. I have been losing weight (slowly but surely), and the tightness of my chest does not appear to be caused by weight fluctuation. My breasts are getting larger. Also noticeably larger are my nipples. They are clearly a bit longer than they have ever been. The skin on my nipples feels a little different, as well. I have a lot of sensations inside my breasts. It is different than the painful sensations I was getting a while back. These sensations aren't unpleasant at all. There is just a constant feeling of something happening.

Then there is the ever-growing desire to nurse. It has become something that I need both physically and emotionally. Through out the day my body longs to be with him - having his strong arms pulling me tight to him as his mouth graces my breast. That first sensation of nirvana when his mouth closes around my nipple, and I come completely undone. I enter into that cosmic zone I have no words for. I look down at him nursing, and breathe in the scent of his skin and look into his eyes. It is a joining I can not get enough of. My breasts throb for him when he is not here - but it is a pleasant ache, because I know soon he will be at my breast again.

I am still only getting those small drops, but I can produce them at every pumping session, which I think is amazing progress for only a week of being back into my pumping schedule. Especially considering I was not a very good girl when it came to pumping over the weekend. I was very busy with out of town friends, and hardly pumped at all. It is a good thing I was able to see the coffee guy Saturday night, and get some good quality time in.

Back In The Swing of Things

2009-03-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not posting in several days, life has just been insanely busy lately. I do have a lot to share with you all, though.

As I have previously reported, my pump had broke, and I had ordered one from the Breastfeeding Buddies. Well, my pump came in, and after locating new tubing at the medical supply store, and new accessories for it at Target (only about a $35 investment in new parts), I have a fully functioning Medela InStyle pump. This pump works great, so much better than my old pump. So maybe it was a good thing that the old one broke. I have been able to pump for the last two days now, and am really starting to regain my signs of progress.

I also received the TENS unit I had ordered. The first thing I have to say about the TENS unit, is that this thing will not be for everybody. I can easily imagine that a lot of women will not be able to handle the weird feeling of the electrical impulses on such a delicate area. "TENS" is the acronym for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation. A "TENS unit" is a pocket size, portable, battery-operated device that sends electrical impulses to certain parts of the body, normally used to block pain signals. Many women have been reporting the benefits of using a TENS unit for inducing lactation. The electrodes are placed on the aereola, on each side of the nipple, and can be worn under the clothing, and discreetly switched on during the day. I can not stress enough that you probably should consult your physician and do your research before considering using a TENS unit.

The first time I switched the unit on, I about jumped through the ceiling. I simply was not prepared for the strange, and well - irritating sensations it produced. The unit has several different modes of impulses, and one of the modes I can not stand at all (the tapping mode). I am pretty used to it now, and it is very convenient for use in the office. I switch it on for a few minutes several times a day. Some people find the sensations very pleasant. I don't find it pleasant, but I do not find it painful either. I have read reports from some women who do find it painful. Special electrodes can be purchased specifically for nipple area stimulation, but the regular electrodes work just fine.

For some information on inducing and using a TENS unit, check out this article from the Land of Milk and Honey site: Using a TENS Unit to Stimulate Lactation.

So, I was able to start pumping again, and using the TENS on Tuesday, and by Wednesday night, I was back to producing some small clear drops from my left nipple. I am very excited about that. I feel like I am back on track.

I also have seen the coffee guy again. It is amazing how my body is starting to respond to just the sight of him. Just being in close proximity to him makes my breasts ache, and sends tingly feelings like lightning bolts through my breasts. Just thinking about him makes by nipples throb. And he is really such a great guy. I just thoroughly enjoy his company in every way.

Breastfeeding Buddies

2009-03-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I had mentioned that my pump had broke at a very financially inopportune time for me. Well, the kind people who came to my rescue, and have a pump on its way to me as I write this, now have a web site up. Take a moment to check out their site, and please pass the word along to anyone you know that may be in desperate need of a breast pump.

Breastfeeding Buddies

I just think they are doing a fabulous service, and wanted to thank them for their help.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2009-03-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Inducing lactation is such a process. I am feeling a bit discouraged this week. As mentioned in a previous post, my pump broke last week. Since not being able to pump regularly, the fabulous sensations in my breasts that let me know that things were stirring in there have greatly reduced. I have been trying to keep up with all the manual massage, but I am just not having as much luck with that. I need to keep trying to improve my technique with that, because I just don't feel like it is as effective as pumping for me.

The pump could not have broken at a worse time for me financially. I was very bummed out over its loss. I did not have to despair for too long, however. My pump broke on Friday, and on Monday I read a post on one of the ANR groups I belong to from someone who had extra pumps. I contacted her, and now have a Medela In Style pump on its way to me, for an amazing price. She is even letting me try it out before paying her, which is just such an amazingly nice thing to do. Of course, I will get new tubing for it and everything, but that is relatively inexpensive.

So soon, I know that I will be back on track. Soon my milk will come in and flow. I almost want to keep it a secret when it comes in, so I can surprise my friend when he latches on. Knowing myself as I do, though, I am sure that when I do have milk flowing, I will not be able to keep it a secret.

Ultimately, I remain positive, even though my progress seems to have slowed. I went from having small drops to nothing at all, but I know it is a temporary set back, and I shall be making those steps forward once again.

Women that are going through this induction process really deserve to be recognized for the hard work and dedication that is involved in achieving their goals. Induction is not an easy thing, and really takes quite a bit of perseverance. It is not always easy to keep a positive outlook and not be discouraged. So ladies, pat yourselves on the back today, and know that you are doing a good job. Keep up those great attitudes and don't give up!

Sometimes You Just Need A Little Sunshine

2009-03-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

I was able to snap myself out of my blahs with some help from a friend. I went to coffee with the coffee date guy again yesterday. It was nice just to sit and enjoy the company of a friend after a couple of days of the blahs. It was a beautiful sunny day, and we took a nice leisurely walk along the beach after coffee. The warm sunshine on my face and ocean air was enough to snap me out of whatever mood I had been in, and left me just feeling content and happy. It is really hard to be upset by anything on days like yesterday. My life seems so lucky and fortunate in comparison to what many others on our planet have. I feel thankful to be the healthy, outgoing, relatively carefree person that I am. I also feel grateful to have such a nice new friend, whose company I thoroughly enjoy. Sometimes you just need a little sunshine to put everything in perspective.

The Blahs

2009-03-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

I have a serious case of the blahs this weekend. I feel so unmotivated to do anything. There really is nothing wrong, just the blahs. I had all these plans of things to accomplish this weekend, and haven't gotten to any of them. I have spent the last day laying around, reading and watching movies. I feel like I wasted so much time.

I couldn't even pump this weekend. Friday morning my pump broke. I am still very upset about that. So, I am stuck with manual massage for a while, until I can afford another pump. I am very concerned that this will put a wrinkle in my milk production plans. It's hard enough to get lactating when you are a single girl without a regular partner, but I now I have to keep attempting this without a pump. I am so seriously bummed out over this. It may sound silly to be so upset about a pump, but when so my of my life the last few weeks has been working towards this goal of lactation, it feels like a real set back. It is strange having my life so breast-centric.

I think I just feel lonely this weekend. That is a odd feeling for me. I have always been a highly independent person, choosing to spend a lot of time alone. I have never needed much outside stimulation to keep myself occupied and happy. I am a very contained person. So why do I feel so lonely this weekend? Is it my mind responding to the demands of my body? My breasts are aching to be touched, longing to nurse. I just have to barely graze against my nipples with my fingers, and they instantly alive and tingling. I am finding that I am missing that closeness of bodies intertwined, mouth lovingly latched onto my breast. It is hard for me to reconcile my normal solitary nature with these longings for having a solid ANR. I tend to sequester myself and push people away, but here I am desiring one of the most intimate kinds of relationships a person can have with another. I guess I just feel conflicted. Conflicted and lonely.

Yes, I Wrote Another Blog Post About You

2009-03-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

I saw the gentleman from my weekend coffee date again last night. I tried to sound nonchalant about getting together, but inside my head I was jumping up and down with excitement. I rushed home to shower and pamper myself and then threw on some yoga pants and a tank top, because I did not want to look like I rushed home to doll up. He came over to my apartment, and just the sight of him walking in my doorway made my body full of want.

With his first kiss hello, it felt as if my breasts were swelling - straining to be released. We sat down on the couch to visit, which soon turned into making out on the couch like teenagers. I find it almost impossible to keep my hands off of him. I just want to touch him, and stroke his face and chest. I have always been a very tactile person. I sit on his lap facing him, and his hands move up to my chest. My nipples are instantly hard, painfully so. The tank top comes off, and I am there in my bra and yoga pants, straddling his lap, and nearly shaking with desire. After more gentle caresses and kisses through my bra, he pulled me close to him, and softly said, "nurse me". That was such an erotic moment. Hearing him saying those words to me nearly drove me over the edge. We removed my bra, and I offered him my breasts. The feel of his mouth latching on to me was even better than I had remembered. It was bliss. They way he cupped the side of my breasts when nursing and the way he gazed into my eyes while suckling with such passion and contentment, it was if our joining was the only thing happening in the universe at that moment.

We spent a lovely few hours together. During the evening I had a realization. My urge to produce milk was getting deeper, and more intense. Before I had met him, I had wanted my milk to come in. It is something I actively have been working for and wanted for myself. There has been a shift though. This is no longer something I want just for myself. I want to be able to offer my milk to him. I know how happy that would make him, and it is something I want to be able to share with him. The ultimate offering of myself.

I must remind myself that he and I have only been together for a couple of times. I should not get ahead of myself and need to strive to just enjoy each moment I do get to share with him as they come. That can be hard sometimes, because you feel such a deeper connection to someone with ANR. I have always been the type of person who puts everything out there on their sleeve, and I feel the need to keep myself reigned in a little bit with this gentleman. He is something special, and deserves me at my best.

Constant Pain

2009-03-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

My breasts are in constant pain. Not only are the very sore from my armpits down, but I am getting constant shooting pains and muscle spasms. At least both breasts do not have shooting pains at the same time. It goes from one to the other, in a very fair and even fashion. Sometimes it is so much I have to stop what I am doing and massage my breast, which I try to remember to NOT do when in public. I also received some more drops from my breasts this weekend. I was very encouraged by these. Instead of the one drop at a time coming from my breasts as before, I had many little pin prick drops coming at the same time. Progress is progress. If this pain is a sign of my milk coming in, then it is one I gladly bear and will relish in, knowing that soon I will be flowing.

On a side note, I just counted how many vitamins and herbal supplements I take a day, and it comes to a total of 30 pills a day, and one liquid supplement (which I LOVE) called Univera. I am a walking nutraceutical shop.

A Casual Coffee Date

2009-03-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful surprise this weekend turned out to be. I was going into the weekend without much plans, then Friday night I received an invitation to meet for coffee with a gentleman I had been emailing back and forth for a few weeks. He seemed like a nice guy, so I figured why not. We met Saturday morning for coffee at a local coffee house. I wasn't expecting much from this date, maybe just a pleasant morning getting to know someone new. I realized within the first 5 minutes that I really liked this guy. He was smart, and funny and witty. Conversation came freely and easily, with no awkward "getting to know you" silences. After our coffee had long been gone, it was obvious we did not want the date to end. We decided to go for a walk. We were close to a path overlooking the water, and slowly strolled, stopping occasionally to admire the view and bask in the sun. I found myself catching the scent of his skin on the breeze as we were standing side by side watching the water. That's when I knew I was in trouble. Our walk then turned into lunch at a nearby Thai place. The conversation kept flowing, and we shared stories with each other about our lives and our interest in ANR. Lunch ended and we were both a little sun-burned, so we decided to head back to my place to hang out and talk some more.

I was so nervous when we were sitting on my couch talking. I realized I was very attracted to the guy, and was hoping I was not being too obvious about that attraction. He very politely asked if he could give me a hug, and I gladly inclined my body towards his. His strong arms held me tight, and again I could smell the scent of his skin. It was intoxicating to me. He placed small kisses on my face, and I felt my tummy start to do little flips. We started kissing, and I could already feel my breathing getting difficult. It had been a long time since anyone brought forth such a strong physical reaction in me. His hand caressed by breast over my shirt, and my nipple instantly responded to his touch, becoming immediately hard. Just the feel of his hand on my breast over my clothing was making me dizzy.

We moved over to the bed, where he took off my shirt, and caressed my skin. We lay down and he wrapped me in his arms, and our kisses became more intense and passionate. His hands were moving over my breasts and I was finding it difficult to even think straight. The he took my nipple into his mouth. I was overcome with sensations that travelled all the way down to my toes. His mouth was gentle and loving, suckling from my breast and I was in heaven. His hand cupped the side of my breast as he suckled, and my hands caressed his body. My breathing was very shallow, and I felt like my brain was going to explode from sensory overload. He switched to the other breast, and I gazed into his eyes as he nursed. I felt so safe and comfortable with him, and so incredibly turned on. We spent the rest of the afternoon switching from kisses and caresses to nursing. We spent the afternoon in each other's arms. Sometimes talking, sometimes just enjoying each other in silence. The sunlight had long since faded, and we were laying in darkness. I was a little worried that at any moment he would suddenly get up and leave, and I did not want it to end. But he didn't. We spent a leisurely night of suckling and sharing with each other. Speaking on serious topics some moments and laughing in pure bouts of silliness at others. His mouth occasionally drifted back down to my breasts, and I was overcome at how beautiful it was. I was so content and peaceful while at the same time being so intensely aroused. It was such a conglomeration of sensations, it was hard to tell which feeling was the most intense. We fell asleep in each other's arms, and stayed intertwined the whole evening.

We woke in the morning to more kisses and suckling. I rose to make coffee and freshen up, I looked into the mirror and my lips were swollen with his kisses. We had coffee and talked some more, and then he left to go about his day. Almost 24 hours later, our casual coffee date was over. I had such an amazing time with him. I hope he calls me again.

An Addiction?

2009-03-06T19:12:00.001-08:00

I wonder if it is possible to be addicted to nursing? When I go too long without it, my body screams out for it. I need some kind of release that only being lovingly suckled on can give. I need to be swept away into that cosmic nothingness, and live within the giggle of the universe. Right now my physical self feels like it is being ruled by my breasts, needing relief. My breasts strain against my bra, seeking to be be freed. Seeking the succor of a warm mouth enveloping my nipple and areola. The caress of a hand, holding my heavy breast. That slow, meditative bonding that can only exist in a nursing session between two matched souls. I need to feel his urgency, his need for escape that only I can provide him, as we journey together into the blissfull abyss. He hungrily sucks at my breasts and we are both rewarded with peace.

My mind can not concentrate on anything else right now. I know it is time for me to go pump, but I also know that at this point, it will probably just make me yearn more. It will leave me jonseing like a junkie in search of a fix. That is the hardest part about being single. Needing to have this need fulfilled, and not always being able to fill it. Well, the pumping needs to be done. I need to bring my milk in.

But when he comes over, all the waiting and wanting will have been worth it. I will be able to lose myself in those precious few moments we have together. I will fill complete again, that is until I start needing another fix.

Pure Contentment

2009-03-05T13:06:00.000-08:00

I love it when the end of the day comes, and we are both tired. We get comfortable on the bed, laying side by side and facing each other. First you massage my breasts, making them warm and tingly. I am always taken aback at how considerate of me you are, and how much you try to please me. Then the moment comes that I have been longing for all day. That first moment when your mouth closes around my nipple, and I can't help but let a small gasp escape. Your mouth slowly and steadily suckles from me, making my body awash with sensation, as the stresses of the day are now forgotten moments of the past. One of your hands gently massages my other nipple, as you settle in and take comfort from my breast. I love the way your other hands cups the side of my breast as you suckle, gently kneading my supple skin every now and then. I lose myself in the state of bliss you bring me to. I wrap my arms around you, caressing you, and look down on you as you lose yourself in me. After a while, you switch to the other nipple, spreading that joy throughout my whole body. You keep continually sucking on me, in a slow rhythmic way. Your breathing becomes slow and deep, and I realize that you have dozed off a bit, but even in your light sleep, still suckle my breasts. I softly caress you, and make sure you are comfortable. I actually feel very touched that you can doze off while suckling me, it just seems so pure and loving, and open. You stir awake, and take my other nipple into your mouth, continuing going back and forth, till my body is heavy, and it feels like I am floating. I never want it to stop.

An Exciting Moment in The Shower

2009-03-05T12:54:00.000-08:00

Yes, I had an exciting shower moment today. I started my day as usual. The alarm goes off, the pump goes on. I lay in bed for 20 minutes while the pump does its job, and I contemplate my dreams, or what I have planned for the day. I finish pumping, and hop in the shower and do my morning shower massages. While working the girls, I notice that they are starting to feel a little different, a little waxy (as his milk maid described it). So I kept doing my massages, and got a really good look at my nipples. Lo and behold, there out of my right nipple, came a couple of drops of clear fluid. I was pretty excited by that. Then, out of the left girl, came one white drop. It was a teeny tiny drop, but it was there. White, and a bit thicker than the clear drops. I almost did not believe that they were there, so I did some more squeezing, and one more tiny white drop came out. I am so excited. Everything seems to be on track. I had originally set a goal for myself to have some lactation progress by the next full moon, which is coming up March 10th. It seems I may make that goal. I think it is neat my my breasts are getting fuller with the cycle of the moon.

The Inducement Journey

2009-03-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

So I decided a little over two weeks ago to induce lactation. I have never had a child, nor have I ever fully lactated before. Well, once in my early twenties, I spontaneously started producing drops of milk, but that only lasted a few days, and was completely unplanned. I got a really nice double electric pump, and pump three times a day. I found a really nice hospital grade one on Craig's List for $50. Now before people start getting grossed out about me buying a used pump, remember that the actual pump never touches the body of bodily fluids. The parts that do are easily replaced, and a lot cheaper than dropping several hundred dollars on a pump. It was a little embarrassing when the lady I bought the pump from kept asking me about my baby. I wasn't quick enough on my feet to tell her I was buying it for someone else, not was I brave enough to tell her I was into ANR. I just mumbled some vague answers and scurried away with my new pump.

I have also been taking herbal supplements. At the moment I am taking: fenugreek, blessed thistle, agnus cactus, and damiana. Damiana does not really increase milk flow persay, but is good for women's hormonal health and sexual well being, so I figured it couldn't hurt. I want to get some Goat's Rue. I have heard many great stories of women having very good luck with this herb. Unfortuneately, they do not carry it in the stores I shop for herbal supplements at, so if I try it I will have to order it online. They do carry it at Mother Love (www.motherlove.com). I am also drinking the teas. I switch back and forth between Mother's Milk and Milk Maid tea. I just saw that the Yogi tea brand has a formula for lactation that I am going to have to try.These teas are all just variations of the same ingredients, but all taste a little different, so i try to keep the variety going. I am trying to drink more water, but I am not doing as good of a job as I would like on that goal. I eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast. I hate oatmeal., but I hear it helps. It couldn't hurt.

During the day I am stuck in my office, and for obvious reasons can not discreetly use my pump. So, a few times an hour I slip into the ladies room for nipple stimulation and massage time. I have found that actually to be a very good stress reliever during a hectic day.

Visualization exercises are supposed to help. While I am pumping, I imagine a nice mouth, latching onto my breats, gently working the flow of milk from my nipples. I picture the milk flowing from me into my partner. And when I am being suckled, I also imagine that the milk is already flowing into them, and filling them. I even do these exercises during my bathroom massage breaks at the office.

The first day I decided to induce, I actually got out some clear drops. It was after an extensive breast massage, thanks to a wonderful friend. The drops were clear, but with a slight brownish tint. I had them for several days. Upon further research, it seems that when the breasts are getting ready to lactate, they first get rid of any fluid currently trapped in the milk ducts. So, it seemed to be a good sign. Those drops have since stopped, but other changes are happening.

My nipples have always been on the smallish size. Now, after being suckled, or when hard, they are larger that they have ever been. They are definitely changing. My breasts feel, oh how do I describe it, a bit.... tight. Like the skin is stretched tighter across them. The last few days I have also been getting these little shooting pains going through my breasts. Every now and then my breasts are so sore, it feels like I have been doing some major weight lifting.

I am so excited as each one of these changes come. It shows me that there is progress being made. I am trying to be patient about it. When it happens, it will happen. But of course, I want it to happen NOW.

It would be great to hear some stories from other women trying to induce, or that have induced in the past. It sure is nice to have a support group sometimes.

A Moment of Thanks and Appreciation

2009-03-03T08:38:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was the debut of my blog, and in my wildest dreams I did not expect the outpouring of positive feedback that I have already received. I was overwhelmed at all of the emails I got thanking me for the blog. I especially want to thank The Woman-essence blog for her fabulous support. She looks at the blogging of ANR issues seriously like I do. It is important that people can find a resource of other people in their ANR journeys. It is important that people realize they are not alone, and that their feelings are not perverse or weird - but natural and beautiful.

I would also like to take this moment for people to share their stories with me. I hope that this can be a safe place to explore feelings, and I encourage anyone to email me with thoughts, comments or questions. The more we share and grow together, the more comfortable we can be with ourselves and the paths we have chosen.

Kundalini and Inducing Lactation

2009-03-02T16:22:00.000-08:00

I found this little snippet on www.lowmilksupply.org

I was thrilled to read this. I used to be totally into Kundalini, but fell out of practice. I can't think of a better reason to get back involved!

Yoga

Yoga is a system of exercises to promote control of the body and mind. Awtar Kaur Khalsa, MA, IBCLC, RYT, a registered yoga teacher and board-certified lactation consultant, has developed her own theory about the value of arm movements in yoga to increase milk production based upon her observations of several lactating yoga students who reported increases in milk volume after attending her Kundalini Yoga classes. She believes the milk production increase her students experienced may be a result of the arm movements that increase serum nitric oxide, resulting in increased blood circulation. She notes that Dr. Herbert Benson observed that nitric oxide triggers the relaxation response, caused by vasodilatation and increased blood circulation. She hypothesizes that this same response, triggered in proximity to milk-making glands, may cause increased milk volume. Although her recent research study to investigate this possibility was inconclusive, she plans to explore the correlation between arm movement and increased lactation in future studies. From a practical standpoint, yoga is known to be an effective means of exercise and relaxation that is safe for pregnant and breastfeeding mothers. The arm movements and increased blood circulation may help milk production. At the very least, yoga can be very relaxing and therapeutic, which can help facilitate milk ejection.

So I guess we all know what I shall be doing this evening - greeting the night with a breath of fire. I knew the universe wanted me to get off my lazy butt and start doing yoga again.

Sat Nam!

A little history about how I found ANR.

2009-03-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

I have always been into my breasts. They have been a great source of pleasure for me. I realized at a very young age, the pleasurable sensations my breasts brought me. I would spend long hours caressing my nipples, and fantasizing about them being sucked. I reveled in the little electric sparks that generated from my breasts and traveled throughout my body, like lightning. As I became more sexually active, I always would beseech my partners to give me the attention I so craved to my breasts, but it seemed that I could never get enough. I was not content with a minute or two of sucking, I always craved and needed more. During the day, my nipples constantly ache for a warm mouth. They throb to be caressed and touched. I knew I could not be the only one with these feelings. Then one day it hit me, I just needed to find someone really into breasts. It seemed like an easy answer. So I started searching the internet, looking for sites about people who also suffered with my longings. In my searching, I discovered the world of Adult Nursing Relationships. Then I realized how common my desires were, even if they are not commonly talked about. It was like a light switch was turned on inside of me. I knew this was what I wanted.

I have since made some ANR friendships, and it has been a life altering experience. The way I feel when a partner is suckling at my breasts is indescribable. When a mouth latches onto me, I feel it thoughout my whole being. My mind feels like it is no longer confined within my body. I am one pulsing ball of light and sensation. I feel like I am connected to the whole universe, and the life force of everything within it. There is no deeper connection with someone than having them lovingly on your breast, contendly suckling. It is amazing knowing how much pleasure they are getting out of the act themselves. I no longer feel selfish, wanting to be suckled for my own pleasure. I know my partner is getting as much out of it as I am. It is an incredible bonding experience. I am so happy after nursing my partners. I feel content and joyous. My friends have all noticed the change in me, I have not yet told them it is due to ANR.

Being a single girl, with no boyfriend, it is not always easy living an ANR lifestyle. But I have been blessed to find a couple friends to share a platonic ANR friendship with. Of course in the long run, I would prefer to have one committed ANR partner, but for the time being, my friends and I are filling those needs we share that need to be met, and it is working out well. For me having more than one partner has been very beneficial for me, because I am trying to induce lactation. Not being married, it can be hard to find one person with available schedule needed for continued scheduled suckling, which is needed for milk production. Having a couple of friends makes that easier for all of us. I know some people find the idea of more than one partner distatefull, but I really have no problem with it. My friendships truly are platonic, beyound the ANR, and we are all so much happier and fullfilled. It works for us.

I started trying to induce about two weeks ago. I bought a double electric pump,a Whittlestone, and have been taking a slew of herbal supplements and teas. I smell like a walking herbal store. I have seen some definite changes in my breasts. The first week, I started getting liquid out of my breasts. It was not milk, a clear, slightly brownish liquid. Upon research, it appears to be the fluid that was residing in my milk ducts. When the breasts are preparing for lactation, the existing liquid must come out first. My nipples are getting larger. That is making me very excited. My nipples have always been on the smallish side, so seeing a defininte physical change is encouraging. My nipples are hard almost all the time now. Like I needed more distraction than I already have with them. Now they really ache to be sucked. Constantly. It might be my imagination, but I do believe that my bras are getting tighter as well, which should not be happening normally, because I have been losing some weight lately. The last few days i have been getting these sharp electric pains shoot through my breasts. Nothing too painfull, just enough sensation to be excited about. And today, my breast tissue is very sore, like I have been lifting weights. Hopefully soon I will be able to provide milk soon to my partners. I know how happy that will make them, and I can't wait to feel my milk flowing into their mouths as we suckle and unite as one.